I lost my father when I was 13 due to illness. It was tragic and painful for me. The fact that my father died was not the thing that bothers me the most. It was because of the images that were deeply embedded in my mind.
The funeral ceremony was a very strange and frightening experience for me at the time. Most of all, the reason it remains the most negative memory is that no one comforted me or my younger sister.
The adults at the time thought that children knew nothing about it. They always comforted my mother who lost her husband. Even my uncle came up to me and said, “Please comfort your mother.” The moment I heard those words I felt ignored, and my feelings were captured and stored in me as images.
Growing up, I recognized my dad’s absence and ignored my feelings to avoid feeling it. I suppressed them subconsciously so that I wouldn’t feel anything. Gradually, I couldn’t feel the pain in my body and mind. It was a mistake to believe that I was strong.
Relationships were also difficult for me. I lived without knowing why. It was hard for me to open my heart to someone who cared so much about me, so I ended up leaving him cold-hearted. I think I subconsciously believed that he would leave me one day.
I was able to solve many questions about life by meditating. I could understand the flow of my life. What made my life difficult was not what happened to me, but my own thoughts about the events that were stored in my mind. They were all illusions.
I was able to throw away a lot of emotions by emptying my mind and I cried a lot. I was so happy that I could cry while feeling it rather than suppressing it. So I realized that the joy and pain of life are not different, but they are one in the same. Without pain, there is no joy. I don’t reject either. I could understand what they were going through and how they viewed the world, and when I felt sorry for everyone, all the resentment disappeared.
After getting much lighter, I even had time to look at the past from a different perspective.
If I didn’t lose my father early and everyone had been healthy, understanding one another’s feelings, and caring for each other, my appearance would have been different. By thinking about it that way, I realized my current self is made by the environment, and there is no fixed ‘me’.
We cannot see dramatic changes in our minds when our environment changes because our mind world is already solidly formed. If you look inside yourself and clear it out through meditation, you will see that you and your surroundings gradually change.
Since my dad passed away early, I have the privilege of empathizing with someone who has experienced something similar to me. Genuine empathy has the power to heal.
Let’s get rid of all the regrets, traumas, and burdens of the past. Everything we’ve been through has expanded our consciousness. It is a beautiful process of healing and rebirth that can be reached through meditation.
