You might’ve already questioned and puzzled tons ‘why am I incapable of controlling my emotions?’ ‘Is it fate for humans to live struggling uncontrollably?’ Somehow, I have a certain sense of confidence that the foundation of the universe is love. Just we humans, our insight is too poor to grasp the true meaning of it. As long as you have this faith, you wouldn’t give up taking a path of life journey. In turn, you would get a gift in your due time.
Growing up, these questions filled my head. Why was I born as a woman? Why am I South Korean? Why am I a member of this family? Why do I have this personality and disposition? It wasn’t that I was dissatisfied with any of those at all. It’s just silly questions out of curiosity if my life was determined, my fate was sealed.
One day I happened to read a poem entitled ‘Shooting Star’ in the newspaper, and it impressed me. It said that the shooting star orbits a celestial body for thousands or millions of years and then escapes that orbit and goes off into space. The poet was throwing a question if it meant the beginning or the end for the shooting star.
The words ‘Out of orbit’ attracted me, as if the shooting star that was out of orbit fell to me. ⭐ At that time, I was sensing that I was being dragged by unwanted emotions. Cleverly I’d known that it was not my environment that I was not happy about, but my feelings in response to it. I was contemplating what controls my emotions, and then this poem was talking about ‘out of orbit.’
Spot on! That’s what I wanted, breaking away from orbit named unsolicited emotions; the feeling of being lacking in love, the feeling of hopelessness even though there’s not much I haven’t gained or achieved, and the feeling of discontent for no reason. What’s repulsive was that I used my environment to excuse my lame feelings.
Just like that, the poem ‘Shooting Star’ that had been hung on by my bedside for a long time, finally granted my wish. I found something to break that orbit and let me escape like a shooting star, and It was meditation. 🧘🏻♀️🧘🧘🏽♂️
“Please recall scenes and throw them away.”
That’s what I did at the meditation center by guidance. Reflecting on childhood, middle, high school, college life, and work, etc. You may feel it as you follow along; the scenes that come up from the mind are not just simple images but contain emotions. So, when we throw away images, we also throw away the emotions contained in them. It was groundbreaking for me that it was possible to throw away these ingrained emotions. I pulled off breaking out of the vicious orbit and realized two things.
- One, the foundation of the Universe is not only love but also full of happiness, satisfaction, vitality, clarity, in short, a perfect paradise/heaven on earth.
- Two, getting out of orbit means not the end but the beginning.
You are a slave Neo, like everyone else, you were born into bondage, born into a prison that you can’t smell or taste or touch. A prison for your mind. _The movie, Matrix
Obviously, the people around me, the environment didn’t change, but now when I wake up in the morning, I live a completely different life. I am so happy to see the morning, the beginning of the day. I am grateful that my family members are my family. When I go to work, I just work with no mind about it, eat when the time comes, and sleep at night. My days are joyful without a feeling of insufficiency and hopelessness. My life is fulfilled without silly questions, just because I don’t have them anymore.
There is a moment when I felt that I grew up. It was when I embraced even the orbit time where I suffered from emotional labor as a part of my life. Just like a bird hatching from an egg. Until they become uncomfortable in the egg, they won’t break the shell. I wonder if I could’ve recognized the bright day without the dark night. Therefore, let’s put that the orbit was a boost that urged me to strive for freedom.
The bird fights its way out of the egg. The egg is the world. Who would be born must first destroy a world. The bird flies to God. _Hermann Hesse, Demian.
In the world you are in now, where your emotions are uncontrollable, don’t despair, don’t be depressed, don’t have lingering feelings either, but just destroy and come out of it. Only then will you see what’s the real world like. Get ready to be surprised!
