There are tons of great advice on communication skills out there. Some focus on the basics of non-verbal communication like posture, smiling, eye contact, nodding, etc.; some talk about strategies; some emphasize the importance of active listening. I tried some of them and found them all very helpful. But here, I just want to share how self-reflection and meditation helped me to put those advice into practice.
“How can I communicate well?” This used to be one of the biggest questions in my life. I was struggling to be fully engaged in a conversation. I got easily distracted, bored, and tired. I felt really sorry to the person I was listening to. Even though I knew that I wasn’t really listening but I couldn’t help it. I didn’t know why and what to do. I was frustrated whenever I found myself failing to listen to people and open their minds.
After I started to meditate, even though poor communication was not particularly the reason I started meditation, I looked back on myself who was unable to communicate well. Meditation helped me to discover some main causes. First, distraction! I realized that I got too easily distracted because my brain was absolutely filled with too much stuff. It felt like overflowing.
Thoughts about past experiences; plans or worries about future; and irrelevant ideas kept coming and interrupting the conversation. In the meditation, I continued to empty these distracting thoughts. Then at some point I felt that my brain, at last, have some space to take things in. That showed me the possibility of improving my communication skills.
I continued to reflect on myself. I also found that I didn’t listen because I assumed that I already knew what another person was going to say. Interrupting in the middle of someone’s talk occurred a lot. I used all the basics of non-verbal communication like eye-contact, smiling, nodding, a-little-leaning-forward-posture, but the truth was, I wasn’t listening. One of my friends even pointed out that I nodded too eagerly, too often, and too early!! I meditated on that and I realized my unnatural nodding was a sign that I was not listening. I discarded my thinking habit of ‘I know what you are going to say’! Then I was able to hear people out.
In the self-reflecting practice, I found that I was exactly like what Stephen Covey said,
“The biggest communication problem is we do not listen to understand. We listen to reply.”
While someone was talking, I used to be preparing how to reply and trying to come up with a good advice, instead of listening. I prepared to reply because conversations were a kind of competition in my subconscious level. And I tried to give advice because I wanted to look smart. I also felt some pressure that I had to give some advice because I believed that people were expecting it. Now I know that I was wrong. There was no need to be competitive or feel pressured.
I meditated and cleansed what I had in my mind. Then I started to be genuinely interested in another person. I realized that when someone was talking, it was not a moment for myself. When I listen, I put myself aside; listen and ask questions about what he/she wants to say and how he/she is feeling inside. To my surprise, I find joy and excitement in doing so: being fully engaged in the conversation, paying attention to the person, feeling connected and empathizing with him/her. It is beautiful.
I am also a better speaker now.
I used to worry a lot about what people might think about me. So, I always tried to prepare my speech in my head. It became my mental habit, which almost felt natural, but it was a huge stress subconsciously. My speech may have been technically good but it wasn’t natural or genuine. I knew that I wasn’t able to touch people’s heart or feel connected. That made me feel inferior and unhappy with myself.
Another problem was that it wasn’t easy for me to show my weakness or to ask for help because I was scared to be rejected. I often talked in a blurry way, hoping that people could notice what I was expecting and helped me voluntarily.
After I realized all these were the blockages in communications, I threw them away. Then, thank God, at last I was able to be myself with people. I felt free, relaxed and confident. Now I can be honest and clear when I talk. I am not afraid of making mistakes or others’ saying ‘no’. I am better now in accepting stupid side of me without criticizing myself as well as clever side of me without feeling too proud. It is much easier to look at myself objectively. Now I am meditating whenever I notice blockages in communications. Meditation has become an essential part of my life.
If you reflect on yourself, you can pinpoint what is the blockage in communication. And if you recognize what it is and accept it as a part of yourself, you can let go of it. You may think it’s easier said than done. Yes, you are right. However, you certainly can if you WANT to. So, first ask yourself if you want to change something inside of you. If the answer is ‘yes’, then no worries. Wanting is a very strong inner drive. When your inside changes, your outer expression changes naturally. When your inside changes, you can put into practice all the great tips out there. So, I think it’s very important to pay more attention to how we can change our inside. I hope this helps you to find the solution within you.
I’d like to share a video clip that gives wisdom about effective communication.
